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From our Pastoral Intern Eben MacDonald
Fear
Part 2:
As I confronted my fears about giving up the safe, comfortable life I
was living in order to go to the seminary and study for the priesthood,
other fears popped up: fears surrounding my ability and suitability to
be a priest. First of all, I feared giving up the chance to be in an
intimate relationship with another person and I was afraid of being
lonely. I was worried about giving up the privacy and comfort of my own
home in order to live in a dormitory with other men. I feared giving up
my independence and having to submit to the seminary schedule and rules.
I had deep fears about the academic rigors of studying graduate level
theology. After all, I had been out of the classroom for twenty years! I
wondered if I could handle the studies. I feared that I wasn’t smart
enough. Above all, I had a deep sense of my own sinfulness and feared I
wasn’t worthy of being a priest.
I took all of this to prayer saying “Lord, I don’t think I’m good
enough, smart enough, or holy enough to become a priest, but let your
will be done in me.” I felt the Lord’s response through the words of
Saint Paul in 2nd Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient
for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” As I continued
discerning, talking to my spiritual director, and vocations director, I
realized that priests are not perfect people. They are wounded and weak
like everyone else. But, I realized Jesus accepts me as I am and doesn’t
ask or expect that I will be perfect; he just asks that I try to live a
good, holy Christian life. Once I realized that God loves and accepts me
as I am, faults and all, it gave me the courage to take the “leap of
faith” toward priesthood. Faith is not the absence of fear, rather it is
having the courage to move forward despite fear. So, in the Fall of
2005, despite all my fears and doubts, I made the decision to begin the
application process to become a seminarian for the Archdiocese of Los
Angeles. |
